A LITTLE CHOPPED LIVER WITH YOUR IVANKA ROSE?
JARED AND IVANKA'S GUIDE TO A MINDFUL MARRIAGE
By: Paul Rudnik
The New Yorker
June 15, 2017
Now that Ivanka’s “Women Who Work” is a best-seller and Jared has begun brokering arms deals in the Middle East, we’ve decided to expand our horizons even further. We’d like to invite couples everywhere to join us on our journey of love, personal fulfillment, and gratitude. Here are some tips:
1. Never go to bed poor.
2. Sometimes we like to imagine that we’re just regular people, without all the branding, limelight, and hoopla. We picture ourselves strolling into a small-town bake sale or pancake breakfast, shaking hands with everyone, and saying, “Hi. It’s great to be here. We’re the Madoffs.”
3. Jared asked his dad for the secrets to a lasting and happy marriage. Mr. Kushner looked thoughtful and replied, “Never take your spouse for granted. Never forget a birthday or an anniversary. And never hire a prostitute to entrap your brother-in-law.” Words to love by.
4. If, during the courtship phase, your potential spouse asks you to convert to Judaism, your first response should be an adorable pout. Then, to appease him, attend a matinée of “Fiddler on the Roof” and remark, “Those dancing Jewish villagers are so graceful, even after a heavy meal.” If your potential in-laws become insistent, try reasoning: “Jewish or Presbyterian, don’t we all place dusty aluminum Christmas trees and plastic menorahs in the lobbies of the apartment buildings we own, except for the more neglected properties in Jersey and the outer boroughs?” If religion threatens to become a deal breaker, tell yourself, “You know, being Jewish might be fun, and could inspire a new signature fragrance called Oyvanka.”
5. Family is everything. We treasure the special moments, like the time our kids used their crayons to make Jared a construction-paper subpoena. We have game nights, when we play such favorites as Pin the Tail on Whoever’s Out of Favor, Let’s Dress Jeff Sessions in Doll Clothes, and Who Can Hug Mommy Without Touching Her Hair?
6. We like to leave romantic Post-its for each other on our bathroom mirrors, with notes like “You’re my person of interest,” “Tonight I want you to wear your navy blazer, crisp white shirt, khakis, Weejuns, bulletproof vest—and nothing else,” and “I’d like to trademark our love and sell it to the Chinese.”
7. Love isn’t about money, influence, or pretending to walk in slow motion together across the White House lawn. It’s about glancing across a crowded reception at the other person, and smiling shyly, because both of you know that nobody can even remember who Eric or Donald, Jr., is married to.
8. Last week, we had a fun picnic with Paul Ryan and his family. We grinned as we watched Paul grab food from his kids and warn them, “You’d better not start crying or I’ll take one of your shoes.”
9. Since we’re both from legendary real-estate dynasties, our Monopoly set includes hundreds of extra “Get Out of Jail Free” cards.
10. It’s the smallest gestures that mean the most, like getting special rabbinical permission to take a private jet to Saudi Arabia on the Sabbath, or turning out all the lights and giggling until Steve Bannon stops ringing the doorbell and slinks away. Sometimes we just sit quietly by the fire, holding hands while sharing the same thought: If Melania and Donald ever tried this, she’d smack him so hard that he’d gargle with Purell. ♦
Have A Good Day!
Have A Good Day!