HAD ENOUGH YET? I HAVE. AND WE'RE ONLY TWO MONTHS IN
LIVING IN TRUMPLAND AIN’T ALL THAT EASY: AN ESSAY OF SORTS
I have a pretty standard and boring routine each morning. After waking up followed by a quick prayer of thanks and after completing my morning ablutions, I come downstairs and if the New York Times (blue plastic wrapper) and the Washington Post (beige plastic wrapper) aren’t lying on the floor under my male slot - Ooops! That’s MAIL slot! - I open the door and they’re usually sitting on the front porch. Sometimes in one of the beige plastic chairs I sit in when it's warm and I can scope out all the young men passing by. Bringing them in, I toss them (still in their blue and beige wrappers) in my boring leather club chair as I pass by on my way to the kitchen for some coffee that’s already been made by the other boring guy who lives here. Then sitting down and first opening the front page of the Times – it’s always the NYT first, then WashPo – I switch on the television if the remote hasn’t disappeared under the sofa and Comcast hasn’t cut my cable "privileges." Normally I tune into local news first then “CBS This Morning” since unlike CNN, MSNBC, FOX and all the other news programs, “CBS This Morning” doesn’t feature SCREAMING BREAKING NEWS HEADLINES nor do they feature pundit panels engaging in profound pugilistic punditry which, for me, is way too annoying at 11:00 PM at night to say nothing of first thing in the morning.
If memory serves me correctly, it was on November 9th while following my usual boring routine that CBS was announcing that Donald J. Trump had been elected President. WTF? I thought. What’s going on? (Well, let’s say he was “certified” as President because in fact, Hillary Clinton was elected since election winners are typically determined by the number of votes each candidate receives.) For a moment I had this weird thought that I had awoken in some parallel universe or Native American dreamtime where nothing that was happening around me was real. You know the feeling, right? But, alas, here in the real world and not that world of Alternate Sets of Facts the Trump Team so often cites, Trump had been elected. WTF?
Okay. So that was a shock to my aging vital life systems but one that I knew I had to accept, if angrily. It would, I knew, take some time getting used to this altered reality, so to speak. Now, I was never going to “accept” Trump as representing me but I thought that over time I would get beyond the shocking alternate reality we had been plunged into on November 8th 2016. But it kept on happening! I switch on the news and some news reader is saying Trump has Tweeted that he’s been anointed by God to lead the country, or some Trump Cabinet pick has suddenly resigned or another Trump Team member has been outed as a Russian cypher. (I’ve begun watching CNN since the election because they – other than Rachel Maddow – seem to be pushing back hardest of all the cable news channels.) But it all just kept cumming and cumming and cumming (as the late, great Madeline Khan might say). Almost daily. WTF? At some point you question your own sanity but then Trump Tweets some other fantastical, straight outa Rod Serling’s “Twilight Zone” universe and you realize that you’re NOT the one who’s insane.
So we had all become pretty much accustomed to and inured from the craziness emanating from the White House and the Trump Team even after only one month into the alternate reality of the Trump Administration. (Yeah, I know. Seems like a decade already.) I mean you can’t go about your daily business constantly thinking that a large part of the country that we used to call America has simply lost its collective mind. But then, Sean Spicer, Kellyanne Conway, Stephen Bannon, Steve Miller or one of the seemingly countless Russian Trump cyphers opens his or her mouth and out pops the craziest bullshit you’ve ever heard. WTF? Sure, at first it’s kind of entertaining, kinky even, like maybe the first time you tried S&M, just some moderate spanking or light tickle torture. But the torture just keeps coming and it all gets worse and worse until it becomes painful, you know, like you’ve been slashed with one of those whips embedded with metal studs that rips your ass to shreds.
And yet, no matter how hard you try to ignore it, no matter how hard you massage your shredded rump with Burt’s Bees Bum Balm, no matter how much you just wish it would all go away, IT WON’T GO AWAY! You keep repeating to yourself, “What The Fuck Is Going On Here?” like it’s our new national anthem that’s replaced the “Star Spangled Banner.” Me? I wouldn’t object if we changed our national anthem to something you could actually sing but then I’m just an unpatriotic liberal effete so don’t pay me no never mind.
Well, what’s going on seems to be The Donald. Yup! That’s right. The Donald. He pulled his greatest magic show trick to dazzle America into a frothy tizzy of patriotic righteousness a week ago by Tweeting that former President Barack Obama had wiretapped him (actually he Tweeted: “Obama had my wires tapped in Trump Tower”) and/or his campaign headquarters. Now if you, like me, believe that you have a decent grip on reality (yes, it can be difficult right now figuring this out what with all our “Alternate Sets of Facts” realities or alternate definitions of “wiretapping” that seem to flow from the Trump White House like the Mississippi disgorging into the Gulf of Mexico) you probably dismissed this bullshit in that nano-second it took for your brain to register the content of the offendingTweet.
But here we are a week later and we’re still talking about Obama wiretapping Trump. Of course, one might think that all of this is a kind of smokescreen to provide cover for the slightly more serious accusations that a whole bunch of Trump associates have connections to Russia. Or to the Russian mafia. Or have laundered money through the Cyprus Bank. It would make sense wouldn’t it, if the “Obama spied on me” Tweet was just a Trump effort to deflect from all this other stuff. But this, of course, begs an even bigger existential question: “Just how the fuck do we have a sitting President who claims that the former President is spying on him?” Yeah, this little nugget is a tough one to crack. The implications are just a tad frightening. In fact, just yesterday Congressman Devin Nunes (R-CA) Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee says there is no evidence that Trump was tapped. Or taped. Or wired. Or whatever. On the other hand, the Justice Department has just indicted two Russian FSB members (spies, in other words) for the 2014 Yahoo hack that compromised 500 million Yahoo accounts.
Now, I’m not saying that there’s any connection at all, whatsoever, not on your life, between Trump and Putin, or the Trump Team and Russia, or that Trump is beholden to Russia since Putin bailed him out to the tune of $900 million (that’s just shy of one billion dollars in case you hadn’t noticed) back in the 1990's. Nah. Couldn’t be this, right? Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not accusing Trump of laying face down naked on some Moscow luxury hotel room satin sheet covered bed with his ass raised up in the air to make it easier for Vlad to “compromise” him. No, no. That, of course, would be the most salacious and egregious slander wouldn’t it? You know like accusing a former President of spying on you. I also don’t believe in the old adage “where’s there’s smoke there’s fire” (Hillary Clinton is prime evidence that this isn’t always 1000% true) but it does seem as if the “smoke” is getting pretty thick as it approaches the North Entrance to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
NOTE: While the news is all about Russia, connections, spies, money laundering, tweets, the Trump Administration is quietly going about dismantling the “Administrative State” as Chief Policy Advisor Steve Asshole Bannon calls it. The EPA and the State Department seem to have come in for the largest proposed cuts. I get the EPA, all those horrible regulations preventing corporations from raping the landscape, pillaging our water and befouling our air, are just job killers and all that. But the State Department? Really? When the Middle East (to where we are about to send in around 1,000 more troops) is an explosive mess, China is taking over the South China Sea, and Western Europe is waiting for Russia to invade? Oh, wait a minute. Of course! I get it. It slipped my mind that Hillary Clinton insulted Vlad Putin while she was Secretary of State.
See How Easy It Is? By the way, you know those blue and beige newspapers I mentioned at the top of this post? They make excellent dog doo-doo scooper uppers!
Have A Good Day Or At Least Don’t Let Living In Trumpland Push You Over The Edge!