I, Susan Jellowitz-Kessler, am perhaps the world’s most
noted and compassionate authority on marital relations. Thanks to the impending
divorce of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, my in-box and my Web site have been
overwhelmed with queries. In a selfless attempt to satisfy all those who are
suffering, I am posting the most frequently asked questions, along with my
expert and helpful responses.
Q: With everything that’s going on between Brad and
Angelina, does my own marriage have a prayer?
A: Yes. Since you and your spouse are undoubtedly far less
wealthy and less physically attractive than the Jolie-Pitts, your problems will
never be anywhere near as upsetting or as interesting as theirs.
Q: Should two movie stars ever marry each other?
A: That’s an excellent point of interest, which I explored
in my doctoral thesis, entitled “Excuse Me, He Has a Soulpatch and Highlighted
Bangs, He Wears a Little Porkpie Hat, and He’s Been Married Once Already, Not
Counting the Broken Engagement to Gwyneth Paltrow, What Did You Expect?” I
concluded that, for celebrities, marriage should be considered neither a holy
sacrament nor a legally binding contract but, rather, a hobby, like origami or
running for President.
Q: A tabloid recently filled its front page with a
photograph of Jennifer Aniston laughing. Do you think this was actually Jen’s
response to the news about her former husband?
A: Never. Jennifer, from everything I’ve heard, is a kind
and openhearted person who harbors no resentment toward her ex or toward the
woman who broke up their marriage. Jennifer moved on with her life a long time
ago, and has continued acting and also endorsing both a bottled-water brand and
a line of skin-care products. I’m told that Jennifer has, as a healing gesture,
just shipped a crate of these products to Angelina.
Q: It’s rumored that Brad has been undergoing a midlife
crisis. Is such a phenomenon treatable?
A: It can be. Except in men.
Q: Would this be a good time for me to contact Brad, perhaps
on Twitter, and suggest that we meet for coffee?
A: Of course. Brad is at an intensely vulnerable juncture,
so he might be willing to drunkenly stumble into a Starbucks, take one look at
you, and mumble, “Are you out of your mind?,” which would be a beginning, and
most likely something you’ve heard before.
Q: If I happen to run into Angelina at, say, the United
Nations or on the Academy Awards red carpet, what would be an appropriate and
A: You might just say, “Hi there!,” in a cheerful manner,
and then mime a teardrop rolling down your cheek, or use both hands to form the
heart shape that Taylor Swift often uses during her concerts. You could also
suggest a favorite tea blend or a machete.
Q: Is it ever possible to forgive infidelity?
A: Yes. Except in men.
Q: Was the Jolie-Pitt marriage doomed owing to the onslaught
of media attention and online scrutiny?
A: Perhaps. But, as the Kardashian family has proved,
constant selfies, reality television, and the exposure of visible thongs
beneath crocheted jumpsuits can also solidify a marriage. (Although instead of
using the word “marriage,” Kim Kardashian prefers the phrases “limited series,”
“branding opportunity,” and “this afternoon.”)
Q: Will Brad and Angelina ever get married again, perhaps to
other movie stars?
A: It’s possible, especially if either of them hits a career
lull or needs to promote a documentary. When a patient of mine recently
experienced the premature cancellation of a network spinoff, I suggested, “Have
you thought about dating Ben Affleck?”
Q: I feel bad for Brad and Angelina, and I wish them only
the best. But I wonder: If such a gifted couple can’t make things work, is love
possible for anyone?
A: Of course it is. The real explanation for the Jolie-Pitt
split is that, unlike the rest of us married people, when they made love they
were unable to shut their eyes and imagine either Brad Pitt or Angelina
Paul Rudnick contributes regularly to the magazine. His
second young-adult novel, “It’s All Your Fault,” came out in January.
NOTE: I have to say that I, too, am devastated by the Brad/Angelina break up. I'm thinking that it probably came about from that last movie they made together. You know the one with the gorgeous Italian (or was it Corsican?) scenery, fabulously furnished hotel, but that really made not a scintilla of rational sense or sparked an once of interest?
What was it called? I forget. But kudos to Paul Rudnick and the New Yorker for this piece!
Have a great day even if you are grieving for Brad and Angelina.
I had a sudden revelation the other day while perusing the
veggie section of our local Whole Foods Market:I own not a single pair of “skinny
jeans.”How, you might ask, did I
suddenly stumble across this personal truth and profound revelation?Well, while fingering the “organic” bananas that always seem to be too green to me and comparing them to the
“regular, old fashioned, cheaper non-organic” ones, I noticed that I was in the
company of half a dozen young men all wearing skinny jeans and all examining organic
California oranges or the latest shipment of white asparagus – organic - also
from California.Now there was the
aspect that five out of the six young men (Millennials, I assumed) were very
easy on my eyes. On anyone's eyes if you want the truth. Some sported very chic short-trimmed beards, strong chiseled chins, sparkling eyes, ad worthy faces, and a couple who looked quite buff in their chest hugging checked lumberjack shirts …
A NARRATIVE THAT ENABLES VIOLENCE AGANST US AS IT DID
PART ONE If you haven’t kept up with the right wing’s
latest attacks on liberals for protesting and resisting Trump then you probably
will disagree with me that I believe that we are heading for new wave of
violence against liberal demonstrators, protesters and resistors as well as against free speech and
the continued diminishment of basic civil and human rights right here in
America. We’ve seen such actions before
during the Civil Rights and Anti-Vietnam War days of the 1960’s.With our backs against the well, as they
surely are today, and the national atmosphere even more repressive with the
Trump Administration, you can depend on it. Why do I say what’s happening to us today
resembles what happened to African Americans during Jim Crow?In no way do I intend to portray the “plight”
of liberals and progressives today as analogous to the post Civil War situation
of African Americans following the passage of the 13th
CAN WHITE MEN COMPETE IN THE DICK SIZE COMPETITION? ADVISORY: I write this
piece in a spirit of newsworthiness and fun.It contains language that might be offensive to some.But, if you are among the half of American
voters who supported Trump, then you’ll be accustomed to “Tellin’ It Like It
Is,” “Straight, Non-PC Language” “And Pussy Grabbing” as popular news items.
Okay, so the average size of White men’s cocks as opposed to
the average size of Black men’s cocks, may not seem like some vital issue
America needs to resolve immediately.But if you think that the question “Do Black Men Have Bigger Cocks Then
White Men? “ is just a benign offshoot of the culture wars, for example, you
would be wrong.Among White American
males there is probably no single issue – income inequality, illegal
immigration and gun control notwithstanding – that is a more important issue
facing them (us) today.Now, of course,
this is not a topic that The Donald or The Bern addressed in their political
campaigns – …