I, Susan Jellowitz-Kessler, am perhaps the world’s most
noted and compassionate authority on marital relations. Thanks to the impending
divorce of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, my in-box and my Web site have been
overwhelmed with queries. In a selfless attempt to satisfy all those who are
suffering, I am posting the most frequently asked questions, along with my
expert and helpful responses.
Q: With everything that’s going on between Brad and
Angelina, does my own marriage have a prayer?
A: Yes. Since you and your spouse are undoubtedly far less
wealthy and less physically attractive than the Jolie-Pitts, your problems will
never be anywhere near as upsetting or as interesting as theirs.
Q: Should two movie stars ever marry each other?
A: That’s an excellent point of interest, which I explored
in my doctoral thesis, entitled “Excuse Me, He Has a Soulpatch and Highlighted
Bangs, He Wears a Little Porkpie Hat, and He’s Been Married Once Already, Not
Counting the Broken Engagement to Gwyneth Paltrow, What Did You Expect?” I
concluded that, for celebrities, marriage should be considered neither a holy
sacrament nor a legally binding contract but, rather, a hobby, like origami or
running for President.
Q: A tabloid recently filled its front page with a
photograph of Jennifer Aniston laughing. Do you think this was actually Jen’s
response to the news about her former husband?
A: Never. Jennifer, from everything I’ve heard, is a kind
and openhearted person who harbors no resentment toward her ex or toward the
woman who broke up their marriage. Jennifer moved on with her life a long time
ago, and has continued acting and also endorsing both a bottled-water brand and
a line of skin-care products. I’m told that Jennifer has, as a healing gesture,
just shipped a crate of these products to Angelina.
Q: It’s rumored that Brad has been undergoing a midlife
crisis. Is such a phenomenon treatable?
A: It can be. Except in men.
Q: Would this be a good time for me to contact Brad, perhaps
on Twitter, and suggest that we meet for coffee?
A: Of course. Brad is at an intensely vulnerable juncture,
so he might be willing to drunkenly stumble into a Starbucks, take one look at
you, and mumble, “Are you out of your mind?,” which would be a beginning, and
most likely something you’ve heard before.
Q: If I happen to run into Angelina at, say, the United
Nations or on the Academy Awards red carpet, what would be an appropriate and
A: You might just say, “Hi there!,” in a cheerful manner,
and then mime a teardrop rolling down your cheek, or use both hands to form the
heart shape that Taylor Swift often uses during her concerts. You could also
suggest a favorite tea blend or a machete.
Q: Is it ever possible to forgive infidelity?
A: Yes. Except in men.
Q: Was the Jolie-Pitt marriage doomed owing to the onslaught
of media attention and online scrutiny?
A: Perhaps. But, as the Kardashian family has proved,
constant selfies, reality television, and the exposure of visible thongs
beneath crocheted jumpsuits can also solidify a marriage. (Although instead of
using the word “marriage,” Kim Kardashian prefers the phrases “limited series,”
“branding opportunity,” and “this afternoon.”)
Q: Will Brad and Angelina ever get married again, perhaps to
other movie stars?
A: It’s possible, especially if either of them hits a career
lull or needs to promote a documentary. When a patient of mine recently
experienced the premature cancellation of a network spinoff, I suggested, “Have
you thought about dating Ben Affleck?”
Q: I feel bad for Brad and Angelina, and I wish them only
the best. But I wonder: If such a gifted couple can’t make things work, is love
possible for anyone?
A: Of course it is. The real explanation for the Jolie-Pitt
split is that, unlike the rest of us married people, when they made love they
were unable to shut their eyes and imagine either Brad Pitt or Angelina
Paul Rudnick contributes regularly to the magazine. His
second young-adult novel, “It’s All Your Fault,” came out in January.
NOTE: I have to say that I, too, am devastated by the Brad/Angelina break up. I'm thinking that it probably came about from that last movie they made together. You know the one with the gorgeous Italian (or was it Corsican?) scenery, fabulously furnished hotel, but that really made not a scintilla of rational sense or sparked an once of interest?
What was it called? I forget. But kudos to Paul Rudnick and the New Yorker for this piece!
Have a great day even if you are grieving for Brad and Angelina.
Is A MUST Read: Take A Gander At This Amazing, But Little Known, 9-11 Story This incredible story is from a flight attendant on Delta Flight
15: On the morning of Tuesday, September 11, we were about 5 hours
out of Frankfurt, flying over the North Atlantic. All of a sudden the curtains parted and I was told to go to the
cockpit, immediately, to see the captain. As soon as I got there I noticed that the crew had that “All
Business” look on their faces. The captain handed me a printed message. It was
from Delta’s main office in Atlanta and simply read, “All airways over the
Continental United States are closed to commercial air traffic. Land ASAP at
the nearest airport. Advise your destination.” No one said a word about what this could mean. We knew it was a
serious situation and we needed to find terra firma quickly. The captain
determined that the nearest airport was 400 miles behind us in Gander,
Newfoundland. He requested approval for a route change from the Canadian
THEY BOTH LOVE HARD DRIVING AUTHORITY AND “MAKING DEALS”
We all know that Donald Trump was only joking when he
implied that the Second Amendment Folks could take out Hillary if they wanted
to.And when he encouraged Russia to hack
Hillary Clinton’s emails so that her wrinkled Granny titties nefarious Clinton Foundation activities would be exposed for the world to see, we knew he wasn't serious. But Hillary is taking it from all sides of late, including from Wikileaks transparency uber patriot, Julian Assange, who seems to have a massive hard on "thing" for Hillary. Of course, we all know that Julian's long-standing beef with Hillary Clinton stems from the time she refused to have anal sex
with him she threatened to have him arrested, right?
While I’m totally 100% spit on my mother’s grave sure
not yet convinced that Putin is directly behind the e-mail hack and dump of the
Democratic National Committee (whose offices, by the way are just a few blocks
away from my ho…
A CASE OF TEENAGERS BEING TEENAGERS GOES INCREDIBLY BAD
Yes, Trey Sims’ girlfriend was only 15 years old and he was16.She sent him a couple of nude pics of herself
to his cellphone; he reciprocated by sending her an Anthony Weiner pic of his
dick, not Anthony’s who’s dick we’ve all seen (although, sadly, not in the new
documentary “Weiner” that I saw last night.)Actually, it was a short cell phone video that did not reveal his face
but it did, however, reveal another part of his body.More about that shortly.Of course it all came crashing down when girlfriend’s
Mom discovered the vid on her 15 year old daughter’s phone.And, of course, as all good mother should do,
she contacted the local police office.So
far, so good.
To recap, so far what we have is little more than your
typical, inappropriate, teenage behavior but then the very definition of
“teenager” revolves around inappropriate, dangerous, wacko behavior of all
sorts.But this is Virginia, don’t
forget, an schizophrenic “on again…