I, Susan Jellowitz-Kessler, am perhaps the world’s most
noted and compassionate authority on marital relations. Thanks to the impending
divorce of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, my in-box and my Web site have been
overwhelmed with queries. In a selfless attempt to satisfy all those who are
suffering, I am posting the most frequently asked questions, along with my
expert and helpful responses.
Q: With everything that’s going on between Brad and
Angelina, does my own marriage have a prayer?
A: Yes. Since you and your spouse are undoubtedly far less
wealthy and less physically attractive than the Jolie-Pitts, your problems will
never be anywhere near as upsetting or as interesting as theirs.
Q: Should two movie stars ever marry each other?
A: That’s an excellent point of interest, which I explored
in my doctoral thesis, entitled “Excuse Me, He Has a Soulpatch and Highlighted
Bangs, He Wears a Little Porkpie Hat, and He’s Been Married Once Already, Not
Counting the Broken Engagement to Gwyneth Paltrow, What Did You Expect?” I
concluded that, for celebrities, marriage should be considered neither a holy
sacrament nor a legally binding contract but, rather, a hobby, like origami or
running for President.
Q: A tabloid recently filled its front page with a
photograph of Jennifer Aniston laughing. Do you think this was actually Jen’s
response to the news about her former husband?
A: Never. Jennifer, from everything I’ve heard, is a kind
and openhearted person who harbors no resentment toward her ex or toward the
woman who broke up their marriage. Jennifer moved on with her life a long time
ago, and has continued acting and also endorsing both a bottled-water brand and
a line of skin-care products. I’m told that Jennifer has, as a healing gesture,
just shipped a crate of these products to Angelina.
Q: It’s rumored that Brad has been undergoing a midlife
crisis. Is such a phenomenon treatable?
A: It can be. Except in men.
Q: Would this be a good time for me to contact Brad, perhaps
on Twitter, and suggest that we meet for coffee?
A: Of course. Brad is at an intensely vulnerable juncture,
so he might be willing to drunkenly stumble into a Starbucks, take one look at
you, and mumble, “Are you out of your mind?,” which would be a beginning, and
most likely something you’ve heard before.
Q: If I happen to run into Angelina at, say, the United
Nations or on the Academy Awards red carpet, what would be an appropriate and
A: You might just say, “Hi there!,” in a cheerful manner,
and then mime a teardrop rolling down your cheek, or use both hands to form the
heart shape that Taylor Swift often uses during her concerts. You could also
suggest a favorite tea blend or a machete.
Q: Is it ever possible to forgive infidelity?
A: Yes. Except in men.
Q: Was the Jolie-Pitt marriage doomed owing to the onslaught
of media attention and online scrutiny?
A: Perhaps. But, as the Kardashian family has proved,
constant selfies, reality television, and the exposure of visible thongs
beneath crocheted jumpsuits can also solidify a marriage. (Although instead of
using the word “marriage,” Kim Kardashian prefers the phrases “limited series,”
“branding opportunity,” and “this afternoon.”)
Q: Will Brad and Angelina ever get married again, perhaps to
other movie stars?
A: It’s possible, especially if either of them hits a career
lull or needs to promote a documentary. When a patient of mine recently
experienced the premature cancellation of a network spinoff, I suggested, “Have
you thought about dating Ben Affleck?”
Q: I feel bad for Brad and Angelina, and I wish them only
the best. But I wonder: If such a gifted couple can’t make things work, is love
possible for anyone?
A: Of course it is. The real explanation for the Jolie-Pitt
split is that, unlike the rest of us married people, when they made love they
were unable to shut their eyes and imagine either Brad Pitt or Angelina
Paul Rudnick contributes regularly to the magazine. His
second young-adult novel, “It’s All Your Fault,” came out in January.
NOTE: I have to say that I, too, am devastated by the Brad/Angelina break up. I'm thinking that it probably came about from that last movie they made together. You know the one with the gorgeous Italian (or was it Corsican?) scenery, fabulously furnished hotel, but that really made not a scintilla of rational sense or sparked an once of interest?
What was it called? I forget. But kudos to Paul Rudnick and the New Yorker for this piece!
Have a great day even if you are grieving for Brad and Angelina.
I had a sudden revelation the other day while perusing the
veggie section of our local Whole Foods Market:I own not a single pair of “skinny
jeans.”How, you might ask, did I
suddenly stumble across this personal truth and profound revelation?Well, while fingering the “organic” bananas that always seem to be too green to me and comparing them to the
“regular, old fashioned, cheaper non-organic” ones, I noticed that I was in the
company of half a dozen young men all wearing skinny jeans and all examining organic
California oranges or the latest shipment of white asparagus – organic - also
from California.Now there was the
aspect that five out of the six young men (Millennials, I assumed) were very
easy on my eyes. On anyone's eyes if you want the truth. Some sported very chic short-trimmed beards, strong chiseled chins, sparkling eyes, ad worthy faces, and a couple who looked quite buff in their chest hugging checked lumberjack shirts …
If I recall correctly, it was about five years ago,
certainly it was during Obama’s second term, when there appeared a spate of
articles, op-eds and opinion pieces, and a whole bunch of television pundits countering
the popular right wing narrative that “liberals are destroying America.”I think Slate, Politico, and the Huffington
Post had long, detailed pieces showing how there was no fact-based evidence
that this was the case and every indication that it was conservative social,
economic and political policies that were thwarting Americans from achieving
the American dream and not liberal policies. All the media attention including from the Washington Post and the New York Ties was quite
welcome in my view since I’ve heard Rush Limbaugh rage on for a decade now how
“liberals are destroying America.”
remember? No recollection of these seminal events?Of course you don’t because they never
happened. Your memory isn’t faulty.B…
IT POTENTIALLY WILL KILL MANY PEOPLE WORLDWIDE
The Nestle Corporation, headquartered in Switzerland, is the
world’s largest food company.If you
consume Kit-Kats or feed your Pomeranian Purina dog food or use Poland Spring
bottled water, you are a Nestle customer.There is virtually no where on Planet Earth where the company doesn’t
sell it’s product.Here’s a list of
Nestlé’s reach and influence over what the world eats is gi-normous.
But in their attempts to increase their reach and expand
it’s corporate domination over what the world eats, the Nestle Corporation has discovered a new “business model”
that relies on the cash strapped poor of the world to implement. It involves hiring poor folks to be small scale distributors who get supplied with Nestle products and then peddle them in poor neighborhoods. Here’s the introduction to a recent New York
Times article: “Children’s squeals
rang through the mug…