SUPREME COURT LEGALIZES GAY MARRIAGE AND SOMEONE IS MAD!
GOD’S WRATH DECENDS UPON DC
After last night’s drenching rain of four inches here in your Nation’s Capital – our fourth or fifth such rainfall over the past few weeks – a possible tornado out on the Eastern Shore, and a four page story in this morning’s Washington Post recapping the long history of legal stepping stones that paved the way for Friday’s Supreme Court same sex marriage decision compete with half page color photos, I’ve finally figured it out:
God Is Punishing Us.
Yes, I know. You all know that my religious tendencies tend toward apostasy, so it took me a while to figure out why we’ve been having such weird weather here for the past few months. We had blistering temperatures a couple of weeks ago, up to a “feels like” 105 degrees, quite an anomaly in June for us “No Taxation Without Reputation” radical liberals living where July and August temperatures can feel like the hot, steamy jungles of West Africa. But not in June. And rain! This is the fifth or sixth drenching so far this month that I’ve gotten “Flood Warning” text messages on my IPhone 6 from whatever mysterious source they come from. And they’ve mainly come in the dead of night, not like normal when we have short, spectacular late afternoon summer thunderstorms. Sheeeesh. What the fuck is this all about?
June is our favorite month – our gardens come into colorful bloom; we can attend the Smithsonian’s “Folklife Festival” without six layers of winter clothing; listen to Summer Jazz performers down on the Mall with no mosquito repellent; visit the U.S. Botanical Gardens without having the July and August sun burning our butch-cropped and bald heads – you know, living every day absorbing the warmth of the gentle June sun and just plain enjoying the plentiful benefits that living in D.C. offers.
Well, it took me a long time – thirty years, in fact, - to figure out that the Milton Friedman/Chicago School boys with their Unfettered Free Market Economic Theory had insidiously invaded the very fabric of American culture without our knowing it. They sneakily spread this evil as we were arguing about whether or not Kim Kardashian's outfit was too revealing or whether Paris Hilton was in or out of protective custody. But this time, no more wondering why it is that certain groups of Americans keep on voting against their own self-interests, trying to figure out where the battleground of War on Christianity is located (Hawaii? Alabama? California?); why Fox News isn’t banned from the airwaves as a terrorist organization?
Even though I should have seen the warning signs a couple of weeks ago, this time I’m right on top of what’s happening to us worker slugs in DC.
GOD IS PUNISHING US!
Yes, that’s right. His Divine Majesty is punishing us. Thirty-seven states and the District of Columbia (WTF?) allowing same-sex marriage? That Duggar guy outed as a sex abuser? Rush Limbaugh’s advertisers fleeing in droves? The between ten and thirty Republican Presidential hopefuls ensuring that Hillary will be the next President every time they open their mouths? Bill Maher definitively demolishing Fox News’ “War on Christianity” propaganda? And now the Supreme Court legitimizes same-sex-marriage? WTF? I mean, WTF? What the fuck?
There you have it. The Conservative noose that’s been choke-hold tight around the collective neck of America seems to be fraying. Oh, sure, it’s not gone yet, but the signs are clearly moving in the right - or more accurately, "left" - direction.
And we all know that God hates fags and liberals. So here in your Nation’s Capital, not only the country’s most radical liberal enclave but the gayest city in the whole of the United States, God has seen our evil ways and he’s had enough. Yes, we in our multi-cultural mongrel mix of Black, White, Latin, Asian, Jewish, Christian, Muslims, Buddhists, Satanist, with our Bible defying beliefs in equality, freedom of religion, hate-hating, - us gay, liberal traitors– so unlike the rest of America - have gone too far and God is pissed. What else explains the unusual natural forces that have besieged us for the past month?
So God, if you’re listening (See? This is what I mean. Here I am imploring God and I have to insert a faithless doubt. Any wonder, then, why God hates me?) I hereby ask humble forgiveness for my sins, which, by the way, are legion. I hereby humbly pledge that I will no longer give voice to my anti-Christian thoughts. I will no longer defend the helpless and the downtrodden. I will cease from proclaiming that the real Christian is the one who follows Christ’s dictates about the least among us, the not being judgmental thing, and forget about the God’s love thing. I will cease and desist from calling out my fellow Christians who engage in bigotry, hate, and cruelty against us liberal traitors and fully embrace that good old fashioned Christian fundamentalism that, according to them, is the one true faith.
Oh fuck it. I can’t do this. Hey, whether you like it or not, Sir, I’m not about to change my closely held religious beliefs no matter what you do to us helpless, hapless residents of the Capital of the Free World. So bring it on, baby! Because just like your son that you allegedly sacrificed for the greater good, you can have me too. Call me stupid, call me the Devil, call me Satan’s spawn (it wouldn’t be the first time), in my gay liberal, brain-addled mind, eternal damnation in the fiery pits of Satan’s Hell is worth it. Sorry, God, if you disagree but, after all, it is America isn’t it?
Have a good day. You too, God. If you’re reading this.