LETTER TO SANTA: WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
MY CHRISTMAS WISH LIST FOR 2014
December 11, 2014
Mr. Santa Claus
The North Pole
Community of the World
Maybe it’s a little late to be sending you my Christmas Wish List but I’ve been out of the country for a couple of months and just finished cleaning up the online bill payer mess I created trying to be good and pay all my bills from Mexico. Still don’t know what happened. NSA hacking maybe?
I do hope you can forgive me for the lateness of my request. In my defense I would offer up to you the fact that I’ve been a very good boy this past year. Exceptionally so in my estimation. I donated several hundred dollars to a vast array of Democrats running for the House and the Senate this year. You know, the midterms? Sure, it turned out to be a futile exercise in the end (I could say something nasty here about how all those Dems running away from Obama deserving to get in the end, if you know what I mean, but I won't). But wouldn’t that make it an even more positive endeavor? You know, donating to a lost cause and all? And at the personal level, I increased my spontaneous giving to the two homeless guys who constantly accost me outside the 7-11 around the corner. Oh! and the bag lady who shows up every once in a while too! Isn’t this the very definition of anonymous donations that are so popular around the country after Citizen’s United? Then there was my daily activity of trying to educate the right wingers on Politico. I spent a whole lot of time with this charitable, ignorance dispelling exercise. I really did. Not that it resulted in anything positive as far as I can tell, but then isn’t it the Christian thing to do? You know, not expecting rewards for our good deeds?
So, in my book, it seems to me that given all the really positive activities I’ve undertaken this year you owe me. Big Time! (Ok, ok. There was that threesome last summer but it wasn’t my fault. They tricked me!!! And maybe you’re not a fan of online porn. But hey man, it’s the second largest use of the internet after e-mail so how can you single me out for condemnation for something that everyone does? Ok. Men at least.) But never mind all that.
I simply leave it up to your discretion whether or not you grant me the wishes on my 2014 Christmas wish list. Here goes:
1. Would it be possible for you to land on Rush Limbaugh’s fat head when you come down his chimney this year? I mean don’t kill him (Hmmmm……) but maybe just a slight loss of speech function for a couple of years? It would be so beneficial to the entire country!
2. Could you arrange for the entirety of Rupert Murdoch’s media empire to just go away? Collapse, maybe, into some other dimension that we can't see or hear? It really is an abomination and a blight over the entire planet. And if his entire empire is overreaching, maybe you could just arrange it so that Faux News’ sound system goes mysteriously silent for a generation? Or the picture has all that jagged pixilation so that we wouldn’t have to look at all those brainless blond bimbos for a while? Either would be okay – it would give us a well-deserved break - even if not a permanent solution.
3. Here's one I think you'll really like. How about for every lie that is spoken by right wingers against our first Black President – you know, not a real American, fanning racial strife, the Anti-Christ and all that blather – you could maybe arrange it so that each speaker loses maybe a dozen or so brains cells with every utterance? I’m thinking that this approach would clear the air in about a week. All right, maybe two. I know you’re busy this time of year.
4. Now this is a big one. You know how for the past thirty years the rich have gotten richer and the working and middle classes poorer? I don’t know about you but to me this seems just a tad fucked up. (Sorry) Is there some way that you could engineer a computer virus that would destroy the online investment accounts of every American who earns – let’s say just for the sake of argument – over a million bucks a year while leaving the rest of us alone? Maybe the NSA could help you with this. So many people might appreciate this!
5. Finally, I would personally be very grateful to you if you could stop every conservative economist – both pontificating professionals and asinine amateurs – from ever speaking or writing the following phrases ever again:
- Tax Cuts Create Jobs
- The Markets Are Self Regulating
- Government Isn’t the Answer; Government is the Problem
- Regulations Kill Business
- Unfettered Free Market Capitalism is the Best System
- The National Debt is a Drag on the Economy
There are more but this would be a great start! If you're OK with this, maybe next year I'll send you more stupid, vapid, right wing propaganda that you could silence.
Oh, and a big, heartfelt shout out for whatever role you might have played in Congresswoman Michele Bachmann’s decision to not run for Congress again. Sure, it IS a kind of double edged sword though – we will lose one of the country's greatest right wing comedians – but on balance, I think you did a good thing.
Well Merry Christmas and don’t forget to keep Ms. Claus warm on those icy winter nights. It’s been cold here in DC too. Not to get too personal, but I do hope you two are still having sex. But if not, hey, I’m cool with reindeer schtupping if that’s your thing. I mean we all have needs don’t we and I know that you have limited opportunities living up at the North Pole where you do. But please be sure that the Elves don’t see you – you know what gossipy little pricks they can be!
So thankful to you for everything you've done for me! Have A Merry Christmas and A Very Happy New Year!
Near The US Capitol Building
PS: Just one more thing – a small one. Would it be possible if you could turn the son of that homophobe of a neighbor of mine gay? The one on 7th Street next to the small apartment building just behind my house. Not anything traumatic, mind you; no scenes of the old man finding his son with his fishing buddy’s cock up his precious son’s ass or anything like that. No. That would be just plain mean. But here’s a thought: You could forget to take the son’s Christmas Gift List, the secret one that he hides under the ginger bread church every year, where he requests a 12” long, 6” in diameter Bobby Blake black dildo and the DVD of “Bobby Blake Does Francois Sagat Bareback?” That would be awesome dude! Thanks.